Roommate Hunting

One of my roommates has announced that she’s bought a house with her boyfriend and is moving out at the end of the month. Hooray. I know, I know, yay for houses and marriage and babies, I’m so happy for you, blah blah and blah, but really, all this means for me is that we have to look for another roommate again, and all that ever does is unleash all the world’s crazies onto our door.

It’s amazing the number of people who don’t read our advertisement and yet manage to call us up anyway. I get calls from smokers, entire families, ex-cons, and men. This confounds me. I would think “single, non-smoking female” is pretty self-explanatory, but I guess not. Many conversations go something like this:

Guy: ‘Sup?
Me: Um, not much. ‘Sup with you?
Guy: Yeah, so anyways, this is John, I’m calling about that room for rent.
Me: Okaaaay. Are you calling for someone else?
Guy: No.
Me: Because the advertisement says we’re looking for a female.
Guy: Uh…
Me: Are you a female?
Guy: Uh…
Me: I’m going to take that as a ‘no.’
Click.

Sometimes I think it would be easier to just live with a guy. They make up 90% of the people who respond to our ads, leading me to believe that the men in this city are either foolishly wishful and optimistic, or don’t read. And yet the women who call are often less than desirable potential roommates. Last year, for example, we got a call from someone I fondly call Obnoxious Wanda.

“That ROOM for rent?” Wanda asked.
“Yes, yes it’s still available.” I said.
“GOOD! How BIG is it?”
“Oh, it’s pretty large. You can fit a queen bed comfortably. It’s got wood floors, and huge closets, and gets tons of sunlight…”
“Do you all let us have our MAN FRIENDS come over?”
“Excuse me?”
“Because some places I call, they don’t want anyone to have their MAN FRIENDS over.”
“How terrible.”
“I got to have my MAN FRIENDS over, you know what I’m sayin’? I’m a WOMAN, and a woman got to have SEX, you know what I’m sayin’?”
“Uh…”
"You a woman, YOU got to have sex! Am I right? You understand, YOU got to have your MAN FRIENDS too, right? Unless you a LESBIAN. But that's OK if you a lesbian. I don't care WHO you sleep with. I'm not prejudiced."
"I'm not a..."
“I won’t be livin’ nowhere where I can’t have SEX, understand?”
“How many man friends are we talking about? Because…”
“So WHERE you AT? I’m coming OVER.”

This process is not fun. But I am hopeful. In the past, so far, we’ve found wonderful roommates. Maybe this one will own a piano that she’ll let me bang on, or be a fabulous cook, or really loooove to clean. Just so long as she and/or her man friends are not the type to try on my underwear when I’m gone, I’ll be happy.